I know I haven't posted in forever, but school is kicking my ass...like crazy hard. I've never felt like this...EVER. I'm in the big leagues now! Other people seem to think I can make it, so I suppose maybe I can. I mean, I was overwhelmed at Western from time to time, but I still generally knew that I would get good grades. It's what I do. Well, here I have received the lowest grades of my life. MY LIFE! I've never had "bad papers" or "bad tests" before. Not that I'm having tests these days, but my bad grades were like B+'s that upset because I thought I really knew something that I didn't. At Western I was happy that my first few grad assignments were like B+'s, but here they are lower than that...And I feel like some it comes from a lack of clarity (not to pass the buck) but I know how to do what needs to be done, so some of my grades are totally unjustified. But, still. Ugh.
Well now that I'm done reaffirming myself by talking about how good things used to be (not to brag, just to express my complete shock and to make myself feel better about it all) let's talk about...I don't even know what. I'm so tired from reading and writing these short book reviews and papers that once I'm done with them I don't even want to pick up my computer to blog. I have only written in my journal once since classes started. My poor students too...man oh man. I mean I'm doing well, fine, and what not as an instructor, but I'm just not on top of shit. I need to be on top of shit for the last half of this semester, for their sake and my own. Then I have all of these speeches to grade...I don't even want to start thinking about it.
I'm trying to view this all as professional development. I'm growing or some load of crap like that. I'm taking what I need and not letting it get to me...maybe. Well, I must say that I don't think I've cried once yet about all of this. I've almost cried, but then I just get angry. Sometimes I'm mad at the lack of clarity i mentioned above. Sometimes I'm mad at myself. Sometimes I'm mad at previous schools for being too easy. Well, perhaps easy isn't the correct word. Nothing about what I felt before was easy, but assessment was easy. I often knew that if I tried I did good enough to get good grades. Maybe it wasn't like that at all either, but, in comparison, that is how it feels. I have people telling me I can't write! Hmm...good thing I'm teaching WRITING! Good thing I worked at the WRITING CENTER. Good thing I've won awards for WRITING in the past. Okay the last one was at Ferris, but still... Good thing I WROTE a THESIS of 120 pages! For the love of GOD, don't tell me I can't WRITE! I almost switched to a creative WRITING program after I got my M.A. Well, when it came time to apply for PhD programs I contemplated applying to other programs too. I understand that I don't write like you (and someone else can judge if that's better or worse) and I understand that I need tweaking and tuning and things like that. But that doesn't mean I don't know how to write. I don't get what people think they are doing by telling me this.
Whoa! I think I need to calm down for a moment. Well, my Mondays are generally hell. I have class from noon to 2:30 then class from 6:00 to 8:30 (and they are rough classes). Generally I'm struggling to get everything done, but I'm sitting alright. I have to edit and proof two short papers tomorrow before noon. And then read a bit of Freud before my 6:00 but I have a normal sense of work right now as opposed the urgency that makes me want to curl up and cry on any other Monday. Let's hope I can keep this one going for the rest of the semester. Well, it's time for me take the doggie out and hit the sack. Let's kick this week's ass!
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