Reflections

One strange thing fall does to me (I know, I'm talking about fall again) is put me in a rather reflective mood. I can think of two possible reasons for this.

1. As the leaves begin to fall I get the sense that nature is shedding the past year. It's getting rid of everything that was good and bad (perhaps a nasty bug infestation that ate the leaves) about the prior "green season". It will take a break, rest for the winter and then start again in the spring. I know that trees don't just sit absolutely dormant all winter long. I'm sure they are preparing for a new growing year in ways we can't see. Perhaps they are sinking their roots further into the ground or storing up...hell I don't know. I need to quit pretending I know what plants do for dramatic effect haha. But anyways, that's how it feels to me.

2. Every year since I've started school, fall has always meant the start of my new school year. I've never not been a student, so I have no idea what fall is like without the sense of new year. I always say things like "I'm going to stay more organized this year" and "I'm going to stay on top of my reading" but it never happens.

Anywho those are the only two reasons I can see for this sort of reflective mood. Today as I was getting ready for the day it suddenly hit me. And when I say "it" I mean everything. I'm in a PhD program. I mean, of course I am, but if you would've asked high school Sam (yes I wanted to be a history professor in high school haha)if I would be here now I probably would've said yes, because I wanted it, but I don't know if I actually ever believed it would happen. And not only that but I'm a big state university working with well established historians! That, I never would've believed.

In some ways I don't even know if high school Sam would recognize this Sam. Not in a bad way; I mean I've still retained everything that is me. I still geek out over Harry Potter, watch The Patriot as a guilty pleasure, and enjoy ghostly/paranormal things. But I'm so much less shy than I even was two years ago when I started at Western. That's not to say that I was a terribly awkward individual, but I was quieter and a bit more nervous about meeting people. In high school I never "went out." This was in part due to the fact that I lived in the middle of nowhere, but also because I just didn't. At Ferris I didn't too much either. I eventually started going out at Western, but it took a bit. And I had an awesome built-in hang-out buddy with my awesome roommate. But after a month or two I started going out with history people. Now, however, I'm planning things and going out with people and I was doing so after two weeks of being here.

So, when I'm having one of those dreadful days in which graduate school has totally punched me the stomach, or I just can't seem to muster the motivation to read another book about Thomas Jefferson or something, I just have to tell myself that I'm doing just fine and force myself to look at how far I've already made it.