New Year=New Sam

So, I somehow managed to survive this semester and I would call it a success! Well, I sort of abandoned my blog, but let's just recap everything that I did this semester.

1. Taught a class.
2. Took 3 classes with three of the most intense and demanding profs I've ever had in my life.
3. Was my sister's MOH for her wedding.
4. Presented at 2 conferences, both which included traveling.
5. MOVED TO A NEW FREAKING STATE!
6. Read 30 books for class and a bazillion other articles, essays, and chapters.
7. Made awesome new friends.

So, I've been busy to say the least haha! Well, I'm bound and determined to own next semester. My work load for my own classes seems significantly lighter, but I will be teaching two courses. But I just want to be organized, healthy, and happy. I'm not really one to make New Years Resolutions. They are so cliched and before now I know that I wouldn't actually follow through and then I'd feel bad about life haha. I'm more of an occasional boost of motivation person anyways. BUT, this year I'm going to give it a go. I want these things and, especially when it comes to organization, I NEED them! It just seems like the right time also. I've moved. I'm on my own. I feel more like an adult so I should take charge of my life like one! Let's conquer the latter of my twenties! Let's show the world who Samantha f-ing Steele is! Haha!

So, I plan on doing several things throughout the semester/year to accmplish all of this. The most important one is probably organization. I need to get more storage things for my apartment so I actually have room to put away things. I had far too much stuff just out all of the time. I need a system!

Beyond this I also plan on trying to be healthier. I am trying to find like some different meal ideas and planners to help in the food department. I would like to eat more fresher and natural foods, eat more throughout the day so I don't go home and stuff my face with crap, and other things like that. I also plan on getting into an exercise routine. It may be going to the gym or just walking/running at my apartment community. There's also a gym in the main clubhouse, I guess you'd call it. We'll see. I even checked it out and found a 5K in Lexington in August that I could use as my incentive. I never want to look like a fool, so maybe this would keep me on track. But I do so hate running haha.

Anywho, those are my resolutions for the New Year. I honestly can't wait to give it a go and see how it all works out! Wish me luck!

'Tis the Season

Okay, guys. Let's get real for a moment.

Being away from my family around the holidays is already sucking and Thanksgiving isn't even here yet. I will not be making it home for Thanksgiving, in fact. I'm okay with it in theory and I know it's better for my course-work and my bank account, but it still super sucks. I have plans for Thanksgiving, so it isn't going to be just me crying alone over some kind Thanksgiving Dinner for One recipe I find on foodnetwork.com or something. But still. Last year I didn't go home for Easter, which I am totally okay with, because as a person who really isn't religious or a child I don't get too geeked for it. I mean who talks about getting into the Easter spirit? But Thanksgiving through Christmas is my thing. You all thought I got crazy about Halloween, well multiply that by 10 for Christmas! I like everything from the corny Hallmark movies to the food to the snow (which is going to be severely lacking here) to the shopping to the decorations to the family time and coziness. I live for this! I'm all about tradition and now I have to start making my own...alone. Wah Waaahh.

So, I'm usually incredibly opposed to any kind of holiday activity until after Thanksgiving, but this year I needed to make myself feel about life in general really, so I went out and bought a Christmas tree and put it up already. Luckily the stores and television networks are totally feeling my need for this, because the decorations were in stores even before Halloween was over (now that's overkill) and this weekend I watched Fred Claus, Elf, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I've also created two Pandora stations of Christmas music and have been using it as a way to calm, focus, and give myself hope as I've been freaking out over my school work. Christmas will most certainly come, so this too shall pass and then I will be home!

I just want to be home. It isn't like me sobbing all of the time out of homesickness; I just keeping thinking about everything I want back home. And how much I want this semester to behind me. I dunno. It's all just a bit strange feeling right now.

It's What You Can't See

As Halloween fast approaches and I am constantly flipping channels to find some kind of worthwhile scary movie to watch the selection generally disappoints me and here's why.

I like to be scared! I like to be overwhelmed with a sense of terror that makes my eyes well up with tears. This actually happens sometimes and it isn't caused by gore, zombies, or any other kind of strange monster. It happens when I fear that this could actually happen, so like a legit serial killer flick or a good ghost movie. Of course movies lie 13 Ghosts, with their disturbing gross scenes cause me to cover my eyes and peek through them. The Grudge and The Ring also terrified me (The Japanese know how to rock a scary movie) but not in a truly sophisticated kind of way. And perhaps sophisticated is the wrong word, because oftentimes it's the cheapest movies that are the scariest. I am thinking, of course, of Paranormal Activity. Now, I watched the first one with people and it didn't prove too scary, but the second one absolutely terrified me. They were not offering cheap thrills, but properly placed bangs, clattering pots, dog barks, and the like. I will be watching the third one this weekend and I'm already terrified. They don't use special effects to create an awful demon creature. They don't use gore to get a scream. It's about what you can't see. The things they don't want you to comprehend. The worst part of a horror movie, in my opinion, is the end where they figure out why the boogeyman exists and try to find the bones, rectify a wrong, confront the entity, or whatever. LAME! They always make it over the top and ridiculous, so I appreciate a sense of unfinished business at the end of a scary movie.

I also totally dig the Halloween movies. Michael Myers is the perfect serial killer. He doesn't talk. You can't see his face or any kind of shape about his body. Of course there are other serial killers who have masks, like Jason, but you know it's a mask. The Michael Myers mask is almost a face. There is something human about the face, but it lacks definition and individuality. There are no expressions, even though it's a human-esque face. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but in my mind it does. It's the fact that he's almost human, but not quite. You expect emotion or something more, but you don't get it. You can almost forget it's a mask. Also, the way it stand out against a black backdrop is just eerie. Oh, and the the music in the movies is the best.

That is not to say that other types of movies don't offer something to the viewer. I feel like there are a few distinct kinds of scary/horror movies. I don't mean different in subject, but different in their approach to being scary.

Shock and Awe
This kind of horror movie goes for the visuals. There are grotesque creatures, death scenes, and shocking sequences. Depending on the type of zombie movie, I would put it in this category. I feel like this is the most basic kind of scary movie. It's the cheap thrills that count here. I would put 13 Ghosts here, along with Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Nightmare on Elm Street, and most scary movies that come out these days that create some awful creatures and visual aids and think that will cut it.

Uncomfortable and Creepy
This kind of movie makes you shiver and just feel icky. The new series American Horror Story fits in perfectly here. There's scary, ghosts, creepy child photographs, a creepy handicapped person (and I'm not saying this to be politically incorrect but this is something that horror movies go for, because people can feel uncomfortable), and there's often some kind of icky combination of horror and sex. Rosemary's Baby does this (and there's something very Rosemary's Baby about this show as well). Oh and let's not forget medical experiments and strange things in jars. This kind of movie is all over that. Also I would place The Ring and The Grudge in this group, because you are left feeling unsettled. The film that makes you die in The Ring is bizarre and that dreadful girl with the hair over her face, crawling out of the well and through the television and you are left to sit there and watch, and wait, and...eeeww.

Scary/Suspense
This kind of scary movie is my favorite and it's the hardest to come across. It is scary because of the building of suspense and the subtle things that happen that terrify you. In this film it's often about what you don't see. I would place Paranormal Activity here, as well as the Halloween movies, oh and Poltergeist. The scene where the mom comes into the kitchen and all of the chairs are stacked on the table is scary. It often leaves you wondering what you would do had that just happened to you. The original Night of the Living Dead could go here too, because the suspense just builds throughout the movie. Also, this is why I like Ghost Hunters so much...well, good episodes of Ghost Hunters. When they caught a full body apparition or whenever they have a really good and clear EVP I get totally wigged out. It's knowing that something is there, but not exactly where it is or what it is that makes these movies the best.

I have always been a fan of scary stuff. As a child I consumed Goosebumps books and those anthologies of scary stories you would find at the book fairs. I often watched the Tales from the Crypt cartoon. Anything with a ghost, a witch, a vampire, or a werewolf, I was all over! I also had lots of nightmares a child too and I still do. This is probably attributable in part in how much of this stuff I watch and read, but I also like to think of it as a sign of a creative mind. Some of the best monster writers (Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley) have suffered from nightmares. I wrote a paper about it once in high school. Well, as I continue my quest for the perfect scary movie I hope you've enjoyed this special Halloween blog update!

It's Been So Long!

I know I haven't posted in forever, but school is kicking my ass...like crazy hard. I've never felt like this...EVER. I'm in the big leagues now! Other people seem to think I can make it, so I suppose maybe I can. I mean, I was overwhelmed at Western from time to time, but I still generally knew that I would get good grades. It's what I do. Well, here I have received the lowest grades of my life. MY LIFE! I've never had "bad papers" or "bad tests" before. Not that I'm having tests these days, but my bad grades were like B+'s that upset because I thought I really knew something that I didn't. At Western I was happy that my first few grad assignments were like B+'s, but here they are lower than that...And I feel like some it comes from a lack of clarity (not to pass the buck) but I know how to do what needs to be done, so some of my grades are totally unjustified. But, still. Ugh.

Well now that I'm done reaffirming myself by talking about how good things used to be (not to brag, just to express my complete shock and to make myself feel better about it all) let's talk about...I don't even know what. I'm so tired from reading and writing these short book reviews and papers that once I'm done with them I don't even want to pick up my computer to blog. I have only written in my journal once since classes started. My poor students too...man oh man. I mean I'm doing well, fine, and what not as an instructor, but I'm just not on top of shit. I need to be on top of shit for the last half of this semester, for their sake and my own. Then I have all of these speeches to grade...I don't even want to start thinking about it.

I'm trying to view this all as professional development. I'm growing or some load of crap like that. I'm taking what I need and not letting it get to me...maybe. Well, I must say that I don't think I've cried once yet about all of this. I've almost cried, but then I just get angry. Sometimes I'm mad at the lack of clarity i mentioned above. Sometimes I'm mad at myself. Sometimes I'm mad at previous schools for being too easy. Well, perhaps easy isn't the correct word. Nothing about what I felt before was easy, but assessment was easy. I often knew that if I tried I did good enough to get good grades. Maybe it wasn't like that at all either, but, in comparison, that is how it feels. I have people telling me I can't write! Hmm...good thing I'm teaching WRITING! Good thing I worked at the WRITING CENTER. Good thing I've won awards for WRITING in the past. Okay the last one was at Ferris, but still... Good thing I WROTE a THESIS of 120 pages! For the love of GOD, don't tell me I can't WRITE! I almost switched to a creative WRITING program after I got my M.A. Well, when it came time to apply for PhD programs I contemplated applying to other programs too. I understand that I don't write like you (and someone else can judge if that's better or worse) and I understand that I need tweaking and tuning and things like that. But that doesn't mean I don't know how to write. I don't get what people think they are doing by telling me this.

Whoa! I think I need to calm down for a moment. Well, my Mondays are generally hell. I have class from noon to 2:30 then class from 6:00 to 8:30 (and they are rough classes). Generally I'm struggling to get everything done, but I'm sitting alright. I have to edit and proof two short papers tomorrow before noon. And then read a bit of Freud before my 6:00 but I have a normal sense of work right now as opposed the urgency that makes me want to curl up and cry on any other Monday. Let's hope I can keep this one going for the rest of the semester. Well, it's time for me take the doggie out and hit the sack. Let's kick this week's ass!

Let's Get Political!

Every now and again I get a little too upset about something and just need to rant about it. It seems this has been happening more and more lately, generally when it comes to those Republicans with their head so far up their asses (now I'm not saying all Republicans are like this, but many of the loudest are) that they can't see the country can't continue without more income and that ought to come from those who have the most to spare...THE WEALTHY! Jefferson supported a graduated system of taxation. There are some people who have more money to give and they should WANT to work for the common good. THAT, my friends, the COMMON GOOD, is actually a foundation of America. Independence and individualism in a sense, but all of these individuals understood that the common good needed to be supported. This is a cornerstone of Puritanism! Actually, I feel like that's probably a cornerstone of Christianity, another idea that these right-wing conservatives like to throw around without actually supporting it. Politicians make a living out of grabbing an idea and using it on occasion, when it supports them (say, in a fight against terrorism) but not when it could potentially take away from them (like helping those who need it).

Now, that, honestly, is not the actual topic that prompted to me to write this entry today. I was reading the book American Insurgents, American Patriots by T. H. Breen today for one my courses and something struck me. The Tea Party (as in the political group that has BASTARDIZED the name of a political event in our history) claims that they can use the name they have chosen, because they want to get back to libertarian principles present at the founding of the country. They claim that the colonists fought the British because they were overbearing and they didn't want to pay taxes. The patriots wanted government out of their lives. Well, to a certain extent this is true; they did want BRITISH government out of their lives for a myriad of reasons these fools could never comprehend, hell I can never comprehend it all and I study this stuff! They, however, wanted their own colonial governments back. The colonists wanted a kind of independence and individualism, but they also knew that this came with a great responsibility to their community, to helping those in need, to supporting the less fortunate and to work for the COMMON GOOD!

There were institutions, during the mid-1770s, that came together and acted as governments for the rebellious colonized. These groups organized nonimportation movements, collected donations for those suffering after the closing of the port of Boston, and put in place PUBLIC WORKS PROGRAMS! That's right, colonial organizations collected money and put out of work men to work fixing roads in Boston, so they would have money! What else does this sound like? Hmm...perhaps a bit reminiscent of FDR? Perhaps like some of the programs that conservatives continually denounce on principles that they say come from the Founding Generation? Did you know that when local townsmen didn't want to donate (for whatever reason) or spoke against these programs they were harassed for not supporting their fellow colonists in need of help?

Maybe members of the this terrible movement I can't stand calling the "Tea Party" should crack open a history book before they latch onto a fraction of an ideology and run with it. They look like the fools. They are, in actuality, ruining the memory of the events they claim to respect so much. I would prefer that they all suffered some kind of amnesia and could no longer remember the event than to manipulate its meaning in the dreadful ways they have.

Holy Shit! I'm a Grown Up!

Let's get real for a minute. It's becoming increasingly clear to me that I'm no longer part of the "young generation" that I have just been associating myself with basically since going to college. I'm not part of cohort anymore!

I think teaching has made this abundantly clear to me this year. The other day in class my students said something about Titanic and then I told my story of first watching Titanic and how I was in middle school when it came out and they stared at me in disbelief and little smile. That's when I realized, whoa. I'm not THAT group anymore.

I always laughed when my older friends got to this age and talked about younger people this way or about feeling old in this way, but I get it now! It suddenly hits you that you're a grown up. Staying in school for a million years has a way of making you not feel like a grown up, but I am.

Other little things have been happening that make me feel like a grown up. Suddenly, I realized that I'm living alone like a grown-up. I mean I've been living alone, but now it's like "Shit, this is my life!" And then I always think of that episode of 30 Rock in which Jack says something to Liz Lemon along the lines of "You sit at home alone worried that you're going to choke on something and nobody is with you to save you." Yup, I've related to that concern for some time now. It's just Wheezer and I.

I'm also feeling more professionally grown up. For example, on Monday I will be attending a lecture by a rather famous historian with my advisor, after which we will be going to dinner with some other historians, maybe rather famous historian as well. I'm terrified. I mean I have a good time with my advisor and I've always related well to adults, but these are almost my colleagues. And I will be reflecting on my advisor in a professional way. Good thing historians aren't always known for their social skills and graces.

Anywho. I'm grown up. It's weird. I'm no longer part of the phrase "Young People These Days." Well, not that I was really ever part of that phrase in most senses of this phrase. Strange.

Reflections

One strange thing fall does to me (I know, I'm talking about fall again) is put me in a rather reflective mood. I can think of two possible reasons for this.

1. As the leaves begin to fall I get the sense that nature is shedding the past year. It's getting rid of everything that was good and bad (perhaps a nasty bug infestation that ate the leaves) about the prior "green season". It will take a break, rest for the winter and then start again in the spring. I know that trees don't just sit absolutely dormant all winter long. I'm sure they are preparing for a new growing year in ways we can't see. Perhaps they are sinking their roots further into the ground or storing up...hell I don't know. I need to quit pretending I know what plants do for dramatic effect haha. But anyways, that's how it feels to me.

2. Every year since I've started school, fall has always meant the start of my new school year. I've never not been a student, so I have no idea what fall is like without the sense of new year. I always say things like "I'm going to stay more organized this year" and "I'm going to stay on top of my reading" but it never happens.

Anywho those are the only two reasons I can see for this sort of reflective mood. Today as I was getting ready for the day it suddenly hit me. And when I say "it" I mean everything. I'm in a PhD program. I mean, of course I am, but if you would've asked high school Sam (yes I wanted to be a history professor in high school haha)if I would be here now I probably would've said yes, because I wanted it, but I don't know if I actually ever believed it would happen. And not only that but I'm a big state university working with well established historians! That, I never would've believed.

In some ways I don't even know if high school Sam would recognize this Sam. Not in a bad way; I mean I've still retained everything that is me. I still geek out over Harry Potter, watch The Patriot as a guilty pleasure, and enjoy ghostly/paranormal things. But I'm so much less shy than I even was two years ago when I started at Western. That's not to say that I was a terribly awkward individual, but I was quieter and a bit more nervous about meeting people. In high school I never "went out." This was in part due to the fact that I lived in the middle of nowhere, but also because I just didn't. At Ferris I didn't too much either. I eventually started going out at Western, but it took a bit. And I had an awesome built-in hang-out buddy with my awesome roommate. But after a month or two I started going out with history people. Now, however, I'm planning things and going out with people and I was doing so after two weeks of being here.

So, when I'm having one of those dreadful days in which graduate school has totally punched me the stomach, or I just can't seem to muster the motivation to read another book about Thomas Jefferson or something, I just have to tell myself that I'm doing just fine and force myself to look at how far I've already made it.