Dear Lexington, Thanks for Wasting My Time AKA Why I Hate Cities

So, after a less than desirable Monday for a myriad of small reasons, my Tuesday hasn't been much better. I have a lot of reading to get done today and so I wanted to go somewhere to do that reading. My apartment is too distracting for it. I can write. I can grade. I can do a lot of things, but focusing on New South politics is not one of them. Wheezer always wants something. Hell, I always want something. So, I thought I had a great plan for my Tuesday (my day off). I was going to get up, have breakfast, do dishes (so I could in theory stay out later working), fill out this workshop application, grade something for a student, and then depart. That way I could have lunch at the apartment and not leave early because I got hungry or spend money on food out. Everything was fine until it came time to leave.

I planned on going to the library. I packed my things, grabbed this book I needed to return and left. Now, yesterday when I got to campus at around this time there were a few open spots, because people had left for lunch. Oh and you should know that the parking situation is HELL. There are two small lots for employees (which I am), but it's always full with library employees. So I get there, expecting to find a spot or two and there were none. I sat for a few minutes, drove around each one a few times and then left. There's this parking garage near the library, but I don't know who can park there or even how to get to the damn thing. So I end up driving through this dreadful flood of students (because there are tons of dorms around this library so there are several residence lots, which really pisses me off. Can we talk, for a moment, about how far away I had to park from my dorm when I was an undergrad? Well, it was a nice hike. Oh and there's all of this grassy area around the library. Sure, it looks nice, but what about all of the people who want to use it. Well, I could've parked in another area of campus, but damnit, it's far and I have a heavy bag, and I didn't dress for a long walk to wherever I was doing homework, and I pay close to $300 for that employee tag so something should come with it! I knew couldn't go to my office, for I would've gotten no reading done there.

So, I decide to go to this coffee shop I went to last weekend and liked (this was my back-up plan all along). On the way I get turned around because of the ridiculous design that is Lexington. At one point I turn down a "road" which said it was one-way and it dead-ended! WTF?! There was no sign! I ended up driving through several parking areas for different duplexes that all converged back there and came out at another road. I mean I couldn't just turn around...IT WAS ONE WAY!!! But I make it there and the like five parking spots it has are full. The lot I parked in last time can only be used by the coffee shop patrons on the weekends, otherwise you need a permit!

So, I then think, well I'll check out this Starbucks nearby. I get into the cramped parking lot that surrounds this plaza and it's full! Well, there's one spot, but due to the fact that the spots are tiny and another wide vehicle was parked like right on the line (because the spots are tiny) I can't park there. I drive back to the library one more time and no dice.

So, I angrily drove back to my apartment, cursing all of the way.

This is what I hate about living in cities...the parking! At least in Kalamazoo there were enough locations to go to that had ample parking and there was plenty of parking on campus. Sure it wasn't as aesthetically pleasing as UK's campus, but it was compact, meaning things were close enough together that it didn't matter where you ended up parking. Sure, there were the really close lots, but the big lot that was "far away" was still like half the distance of where I would've ended up parking here. There were no wasted grassy areas! God!

Now I realize that it was my decision to live further away and, thus, I need to drive everywhere, but that's because I'm not a fan of loud things (ask the Kalamazoo police department, I was always calling in people), trash, bums, and freaks. Here I can take Wheezer out at midnight or 2 am if he has to and I'm not afraid of that someone will mug me. I don't have to worry about freaks knocking on my door or taking alternate paths so I won't be followed. I don't have to worry about people breaking into my car. So sue me for wanting safety in my location. I just can't stand the insanity of the parking situations. I like a parking lot, with plenty of room to drive into and maneuver around. I don't like being concerned about going someplace and not being able to find a place to park. And paying to park REALLY pisses me off. You want me to go to the businesses in town right? Well, maybe you should let me without charging me!

I grew up in the country. We drove everywhere, because the closest town was a ten minute drive. Oh and that's actually ten miles, not this ridiculous go 3 miles in ten minutes due to traffic, stop lights, and shit. I couldn't walk to a friend's house, because my closest neighbor was a mile away and they didn't even have children my age. My closest friend was a five minute drive (going 60 mph) away. Yeah.

Sorry for this incredibly negative post, but I'm just very very angry right now and I'm having a bad week and I just want to go home.

Sad Face

So I've been back in Kentucky for like a week and I'm just missing home terribly. I just feel like going home for break really nailed the fact that it isn't the center of my universe anymore. I will always call it home, but at least until I'm done here, Michigan isn't my "base of operations" so to speak. Before home was the constant and I would go home for a weekend whenever I could/wanted. But that's not the deal anymore and, frankly, I don't like it. I know that I need to be able to move wherever I need to get a job, but I don't like that. I think I will be trying as hard as possible to get a job there. I just like being able to run home if I want. I like being able to have my mom cook me dinner if I've had a bad week. Now after a bad week I have a lame crying phone conversation with my mom, when, if I wasn't far away I probably wouldn't have been crying in the first place. I don't even know.

All of this always leads to some big question about whether or not this is really want I want to be doing and I mean I honestly don't know. I like to think it is, but I keep thinking about possible other fun lives doing other fun things...which could potentially take place in Michigan.

At one point I thought about going home for the summer. I'm not taking classes or anything. Sure, I would have to pay rent while I'm at home, but I would be spending less on other things were I there and maybe Biggby would want me back. Then I thought I would stay here, but once again, I'm thinking about going home. I just can't give it up as home. I don't want to live hundreds of miles away from the most important people in my life for the rest of my life. I want to be closer. By closer I mean like same state. It doesn't have to be like the same town or right up the road or anything like that.

Well now that I've sounded quite silly for a while I suppose I should go and see if that bacon is thawed out. I'm not sure what I'm making for dinner, but it's going to involve bacon :P

A Look Back

It's now 2012 and thinking back over the past year it seems like so much as gone on. I mean, it has, but it seems like far far too much to be all jammed into one year. I mean I wrote a thesis, got a new job (the writing center gig), got my Masters degree (!), moved to a new state (!!), saw my sister get married, presented in two conferences, traveled to New York City by myself, taught a class that's not even in my field, and survived my first semester at UK. Holy crap has it all been exhausting, but incredibly rewarding.

I've also made some incredible new friends and strengthened old friendships. My new Lexington friends have been incredible. We've shared good times and supported one another when we've wanted to give up. Well, I guess I should say when I've wanted to give up, because I'm not sure others have haha. And coming back home over break has shown me just how much I miss my Michigan peeps. I got to spend some time with some Western friends but not nearly enough. It's just so weird and sad going from seeing people every day to spending one day with them over break.

Oh and can we for a moment talk about the addition to my life, Wheezer! I adopted a dog last year and he's been a highlight of my life. It took quite a bit of time to like allow the fact that I had a dog sink in, but now I can't imagine life without the little guy. He can be a terror. He totally plays me, but he adds something to my life with gray beard and eyebrows and grumpy disposition.

I suppose if I had to sum up this past year in one word in would be growth. I've grown a lot in a lot of ways. I mean I'm living in another state! I traveled to New York City alone! And it's all felt great. I'm proud of 2011, but now 2012 holds new things. Whereas 2011 was all about Sam the student, 2012 needs to be a bit more about Sam the person. It's time to change some habits, cultivate some new relationships, and find a few new dreams to chase.

New Year=New Sam

So, I somehow managed to survive this semester and I would call it a success! Well, I sort of abandoned my blog, but let's just recap everything that I did this semester.

1. Taught a class.
2. Took 3 classes with three of the most intense and demanding profs I've ever had in my life.
3. Was my sister's MOH for her wedding.
4. Presented at 2 conferences, both which included traveling.
5. MOVED TO A NEW FREAKING STATE!
6. Read 30 books for class and a bazillion other articles, essays, and chapters.
7. Made awesome new friends.

So, I've been busy to say the least haha! Well, I'm bound and determined to own next semester. My work load for my own classes seems significantly lighter, but I will be teaching two courses. But I just want to be organized, healthy, and happy. I'm not really one to make New Years Resolutions. They are so cliched and before now I know that I wouldn't actually follow through and then I'd feel bad about life haha. I'm more of an occasional boost of motivation person anyways. BUT, this year I'm going to give it a go. I want these things and, especially when it comes to organization, I NEED them! It just seems like the right time also. I've moved. I'm on my own. I feel more like an adult so I should take charge of my life like one! Let's conquer the latter of my twenties! Let's show the world who Samantha f-ing Steele is! Haha!

So, I plan on doing several things throughout the semester/year to accmplish all of this. The most important one is probably organization. I need to get more storage things for my apartment so I actually have room to put away things. I had far too much stuff just out all of the time. I need a system!

Beyond this I also plan on trying to be healthier. I am trying to find like some different meal ideas and planners to help in the food department. I would like to eat more fresher and natural foods, eat more throughout the day so I don't go home and stuff my face with crap, and other things like that. I also plan on getting into an exercise routine. It may be going to the gym or just walking/running at my apartment community. There's also a gym in the main clubhouse, I guess you'd call it. We'll see. I even checked it out and found a 5K in Lexington in August that I could use as my incentive. I never want to look like a fool, so maybe this would keep me on track. But I do so hate running haha.

Anywho, those are my resolutions for the New Year. I honestly can't wait to give it a go and see how it all works out! Wish me luck!

'Tis the Season

Okay, guys. Let's get real for a moment.

Being away from my family around the holidays is already sucking and Thanksgiving isn't even here yet. I will not be making it home for Thanksgiving, in fact. I'm okay with it in theory and I know it's better for my course-work and my bank account, but it still super sucks. I have plans for Thanksgiving, so it isn't going to be just me crying alone over some kind Thanksgiving Dinner for One recipe I find on foodnetwork.com or something. But still. Last year I didn't go home for Easter, which I am totally okay with, because as a person who really isn't religious or a child I don't get too geeked for it. I mean who talks about getting into the Easter spirit? But Thanksgiving through Christmas is my thing. You all thought I got crazy about Halloween, well multiply that by 10 for Christmas! I like everything from the corny Hallmark movies to the food to the snow (which is going to be severely lacking here) to the shopping to the decorations to the family time and coziness. I live for this! I'm all about tradition and now I have to start making my own...alone. Wah Waaahh.

So, I'm usually incredibly opposed to any kind of holiday activity until after Thanksgiving, but this year I needed to make myself feel about life in general really, so I went out and bought a Christmas tree and put it up already. Luckily the stores and television networks are totally feeling my need for this, because the decorations were in stores even before Halloween was over (now that's overkill) and this weekend I watched Fred Claus, Elf, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I've also created two Pandora stations of Christmas music and have been using it as a way to calm, focus, and give myself hope as I've been freaking out over my school work. Christmas will most certainly come, so this too shall pass and then I will be home!

I just want to be home. It isn't like me sobbing all of the time out of homesickness; I just keeping thinking about everything I want back home. And how much I want this semester to behind me. I dunno. It's all just a bit strange feeling right now.

It's What You Can't See

As Halloween fast approaches and I am constantly flipping channels to find some kind of worthwhile scary movie to watch the selection generally disappoints me and here's why.

I like to be scared! I like to be overwhelmed with a sense of terror that makes my eyes well up with tears. This actually happens sometimes and it isn't caused by gore, zombies, or any other kind of strange monster. It happens when I fear that this could actually happen, so like a legit serial killer flick or a good ghost movie. Of course movies lie 13 Ghosts, with their disturbing gross scenes cause me to cover my eyes and peek through them. The Grudge and The Ring also terrified me (The Japanese know how to rock a scary movie) but not in a truly sophisticated kind of way. And perhaps sophisticated is the wrong word, because oftentimes it's the cheapest movies that are the scariest. I am thinking, of course, of Paranormal Activity. Now, I watched the first one with people and it didn't prove too scary, but the second one absolutely terrified me. They were not offering cheap thrills, but properly placed bangs, clattering pots, dog barks, and the like. I will be watching the third one this weekend and I'm already terrified. They don't use special effects to create an awful demon creature. They don't use gore to get a scream. It's about what you can't see. The things they don't want you to comprehend. The worst part of a horror movie, in my opinion, is the end where they figure out why the boogeyman exists and try to find the bones, rectify a wrong, confront the entity, or whatever. LAME! They always make it over the top and ridiculous, so I appreciate a sense of unfinished business at the end of a scary movie.

I also totally dig the Halloween movies. Michael Myers is the perfect serial killer. He doesn't talk. You can't see his face or any kind of shape about his body. Of course there are other serial killers who have masks, like Jason, but you know it's a mask. The Michael Myers mask is almost a face. There is something human about the face, but it lacks definition and individuality. There are no expressions, even though it's a human-esque face. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but in my mind it does. It's the fact that he's almost human, but not quite. You expect emotion or something more, but you don't get it. You can almost forget it's a mask. Also, the way it stand out against a black backdrop is just eerie. Oh, and the the music in the movies is the best.

That is not to say that other types of movies don't offer something to the viewer. I feel like there are a few distinct kinds of scary/horror movies. I don't mean different in subject, but different in their approach to being scary.

Shock and Awe
This kind of horror movie goes for the visuals. There are grotesque creatures, death scenes, and shocking sequences. Depending on the type of zombie movie, I would put it in this category. I feel like this is the most basic kind of scary movie. It's the cheap thrills that count here. I would put 13 Ghosts here, along with Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Nightmare on Elm Street, and most scary movies that come out these days that create some awful creatures and visual aids and think that will cut it.

Uncomfortable and Creepy
This kind of movie makes you shiver and just feel icky. The new series American Horror Story fits in perfectly here. There's scary, ghosts, creepy child photographs, a creepy handicapped person (and I'm not saying this to be politically incorrect but this is something that horror movies go for, because people can feel uncomfortable), and there's often some kind of icky combination of horror and sex. Rosemary's Baby does this (and there's something very Rosemary's Baby about this show as well). Oh and let's not forget medical experiments and strange things in jars. This kind of movie is all over that. Also I would place The Ring and The Grudge in this group, because you are left feeling unsettled. The film that makes you die in The Ring is bizarre and that dreadful girl with the hair over her face, crawling out of the well and through the television and you are left to sit there and watch, and wait, and...eeeww.

Scary/Suspense
This kind of scary movie is my favorite and it's the hardest to come across. It is scary because of the building of suspense and the subtle things that happen that terrify you. In this film it's often about what you don't see. I would place Paranormal Activity here, as well as the Halloween movies, oh and Poltergeist. The scene where the mom comes into the kitchen and all of the chairs are stacked on the table is scary. It often leaves you wondering what you would do had that just happened to you. The original Night of the Living Dead could go here too, because the suspense just builds throughout the movie. Also, this is why I like Ghost Hunters so much...well, good episodes of Ghost Hunters. When they caught a full body apparition or whenever they have a really good and clear EVP I get totally wigged out. It's knowing that something is there, but not exactly where it is or what it is that makes these movies the best.

I have always been a fan of scary stuff. As a child I consumed Goosebumps books and those anthologies of scary stories you would find at the book fairs. I often watched the Tales from the Crypt cartoon. Anything with a ghost, a witch, a vampire, or a werewolf, I was all over! I also had lots of nightmares a child too and I still do. This is probably attributable in part in how much of this stuff I watch and read, but I also like to think of it as a sign of a creative mind. Some of the best monster writers (Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley) have suffered from nightmares. I wrote a paper about it once in high school. Well, as I continue my quest for the perfect scary movie I hope you've enjoyed this special Halloween blog update!

It's Been So Long!

I know I haven't posted in forever, but school is kicking my ass...like crazy hard. I've never felt like this...EVER. I'm in the big leagues now! Other people seem to think I can make it, so I suppose maybe I can. I mean, I was overwhelmed at Western from time to time, but I still generally knew that I would get good grades. It's what I do. Well, here I have received the lowest grades of my life. MY LIFE! I've never had "bad papers" or "bad tests" before. Not that I'm having tests these days, but my bad grades were like B+'s that upset because I thought I really knew something that I didn't. At Western I was happy that my first few grad assignments were like B+'s, but here they are lower than that...And I feel like some it comes from a lack of clarity (not to pass the buck) but I know how to do what needs to be done, so some of my grades are totally unjustified. But, still. Ugh.

Well now that I'm done reaffirming myself by talking about how good things used to be (not to brag, just to express my complete shock and to make myself feel better about it all) let's talk about...I don't even know what. I'm so tired from reading and writing these short book reviews and papers that once I'm done with them I don't even want to pick up my computer to blog. I have only written in my journal once since classes started. My poor students too...man oh man. I mean I'm doing well, fine, and what not as an instructor, but I'm just not on top of shit. I need to be on top of shit for the last half of this semester, for their sake and my own. Then I have all of these speeches to grade...I don't even want to start thinking about it.

I'm trying to view this all as professional development. I'm growing or some load of crap like that. I'm taking what I need and not letting it get to me...maybe. Well, I must say that I don't think I've cried once yet about all of this. I've almost cried, but then I just get angry. Sometimes I'm mad at the lack of clarity i mentioned above. Sometimes I'm mad at myself. Sometimes I'm mad at previous schools for being too easy. Well, perhaps easy isn't the correct word. Nothing about what I felt before was easy, but assessment was easy. I often knew that if I tried I did good enough to get good grades. Maybe it wasn't like that at all either, but, in comparison, that is how it feels. I have people telling me I can't write! Hmm...good thing I'm teaching WRITING! Good thing I worked at the WRITING CENTER. Good thing I've won awards for WRITING in the past. Okay the last one was at Ferris, but still... Good thing I WROTE a THESIS of 120 pages! For the love of GOD, don't tell me I can't WRITE! I almost switched to a creative WRITING program after I got my M.A. Well, when it came time to apply for PhD programs I contemplated applying to other programs too. I understand that I don't write like you (and someone else can judge if that's better or worse) and I understand that I need tweaking and tuning and things like that. But that doesn't mean I don't know how to write. I don't get what people think they are doing by telling me this.

Whoa! I think I need to calm down for a moment. Well, my Mondays are generally hell. I have class from noon to 2:30 then class from 6:00 to 8:30 (and they are rough classes). Generally I'm struggling to get everything done, but I'm sitting alright. I have to edit and proof two short papers tomorrow before noon. And then read a bit of Freud before my 6:00 but I have a normal sense of work right now as opposed the urgency that makes me want to curl up and cry on any other Monday. Let's hope I can keep this one going for the rest of the semester. Well, it's time for me take the doggie out and hit the sack. Let's kick this week's ass!