Bidding Adieu to Kalamazoo

Well, it's here. Tonight is my last night in Kalamazoo. I spent the day, alone, packing, and cleaning. It was quite lame. I had no living room furniture as of this evening. I have no food (I went to the store and bought ice cream and some kind of microwavable noodle bowl). At about ten I finally called it quits, laid down in bed, put in a Monk DVD and ate my Ben and Jerry's. I'm not really tired right now. Even though I need to be up at like 8ish tomorrow and I was busy all day (but it was just putzing around the apartment) I just don't feel like sleeping.

I keep thinking about all of the things I should've done. Things I should've said. Places I should've gone. Events I should've experienced. There's no use dwelling on the past, but I'm just coming to realize that there are things that I would've done differently. I know everybody feels that way, but...I can't help but express that now. I mostly feel like i need more time with people. I'm not ready to say goodbye to them yet :(

I also can't believe that I'm going to be leaving the state in a week. It's so unreal. I'm leaving my home. I mean I've been moved away for a while, but my home state is all like a haven. I love Michigan! I love it's seasons, it's wilderness, it's variety of scenery, its history...it's a great state. I'll just have to find the great things about Kentucky and embrace that state as I did this one. Although, the new climate is going to be a problem lol.

Well, I'm sure that I'm dwelling on this move and everything far more than necessary. I'll try to stop until I'm down there. I never used to be able to keep up a blog and now I keep spewing into it every few days. I"m going to try to go a week...

Packing

Packing is an odd process.

I hate the idea of going through my desk (which I already did quite successfully actually), my closet, my dresser, my cupboards and putting it all into boxes. I will, undoubtedly experience flashes of memories, welcome or unwelcomed. I will find some things that need to be thrown away and others that I will continue to hold onto, even though they are useless, don't fit, silly, etc. I will have to decide how best to store important paperwork I had simply thrown on a shelf in my desk or in a binder (I'm really terrible about keeping things safe and orderly, actually). I hate this part of packing.

Packing clothes, I think, is the worst. I have a lot of clothing that I no longer wear. Either I'm sick of it and have cast it aside or it no longer fits. Should I keep these things? What if I gain/lose weight and need these things? What if I run out of clothes to wear one day and, even though those jeans are terrible, need to wear them? What if I decide I like that shirt again in a few months (it's been known to happen)? So many decisions to make.

I feel like packing all comes down to one question. How much of a fresh start do you want? How much stuff do I want to pitch now so in four-ish years when I have to move again I won't have to remember all of those things? What's essential? What things are truly me? Are my world history notes from six years ago important? In that case I decided not and pitched them. I can look shit up on Wikipedia if I need to haha.

In short, packing is SO much more than packing....ugh.

Teaching

I am suddenly REALLY excited about the prospect of teaching this English class once I get to Kentucky. I feel like I am so jazzed about it because I want to give students what I didn't have. I want to learn more about the craft of writing while I teach these students. I also like connecting with students and writing can be a great way to do that.

I am also looking forward to crafting my own teaching style. I have many ideas circling around in my mind. I'm reading a book right now about how to teach writing in context (as some extra, not-required reading). I am thinking about adding journals, blogs, writing examples...it's so exciting. I can't wait to find out how much control I actually have in the whole process. I know that my biggest problem is going to be spending too much time on the teaching and not enough on my course work. I kind of had that problem while I was working as a TA.

I think that thinking about this teaching gig is getting me excited for that and taking some of the focus off of actually moving. Because that's terrifying. Greatly terrifying. Yeah...

Goodbye...

Goodbye.

What exactly does this one word mean?

Good.

Well, it means that things are fine, satisfactory, alright, even happy. It's approval and acceptance. Good job. Good. That's good. I'm good. It's all good.

Bye.

This word signifies a parting between two people. Or a person and a group. Bye. So long. See ya later. Au revoir. Farewell.

Goodbye.

This word, then, signifies a fine, perhaps even happy parting. It could also mean that times together were good and now it's time to move on. On the other hand, it could also be a wish for a happy time apart, or a best wish. Most importantly, and for me, it could mean all three wrapped in one. This word, or a compound word I should say, means so very much.

As my departure draws nearer, I can see every aspect of this one word. I want a happy parting, even though I know it will be full of tears. It has been a good time together, but I don't know what I will ever feel that it is time to move on; although I'm sure it is for me now. I do also hope for a happy time apart, but it will never be the same without those I am parting from. I can, however, take solace in knowing that it is not goodbye forever, but just a goodbye for now.

Goodbye. Adiue. Sayonara. Ciao. Aloha. Yasou. Slan. Do Svidaniya...

Creative Mojo

So, I have been thinking for quite some time that I'm losing my creative mojo. I used to LOVE writing. I used to journal, attempt to at least start legitimate stories...at one point I had a notebook full of what I called "Sam's Story Starters." They were ideas I had about a book. Maybe it was a synopsis, a character sketch, the first few pages of a story. I even had a few which I had typed over thirty pages for. They are long gone, unfortunately...in fact I do wonder what happened to some of them. ANYWAYS...

I still LOVE writing, but I just seem compelled to make to time for it. I think about it when I'm not doing it, but then when I get some free time I watch a movie, or TV, or...something. Even when I do finally commit myself to writing it's not very long lived. I'll generally start it while watching a movie and then slowly lose interest and never come back to it. I've even lost a bit of interest in my journal. I've felt so overwhelmed with things that I can't properly process and reflect on it all. It's too exhausting to process it all in one sitting or even to pick out one thing from it all to write about. This makes me so sad. I blame it, partially, on school.

In a conversation with a dear friend tonight she mentioned that we don't think of ourselves as writers, but as academics, students, historians, teachers, etc., who write. This is so true. Although the writing is important for certain reasons, the passion of the writing process is overlooked in my field. I was once told that I write too much like a popular historian, which I didn't actually take as a criticism. I'm glad I have a bit of flair, a bit of my own voice. It's quickly being sucked from me and I hate it. I used to want to be an author, of fiction, and now I can't even make time to start a story. This needs to be remedied!

I am attempting to gather creative, colorful decorations for my new apartment in Kentucky. I need to be surrounded by things that inspire me. When I was living at home, my room was filled with things that made me happy (posters, candles, knick-knacks) and I painted my walls blue with silver moons and stars. I have a lot of decorations in my current apartment, but it's just not inspiring. I also need to make some kind of goal for myself....maybe like writing something creative once a week or something. I don't know. I'd be willing to take suggestions. My time at the Writing Center and future as an English instructor at Kentucky have got me thinking about this, as well as my dear friend's experiences in a current writing project. We'll see how it all goes. Wish me luck! I need my mojo!

A New Chapter

So, this month is bringing a lot of changes. Some things are ending and others beginning. And it all is happening while I'm going through the end of the Harry Potter franchise. I know it seems silly to compare moving, or turning in my thesis to the final installation of a series of books and movies, but it's all very intertwined for me.

I began reading Harry Potter somewhere around the age of twelve or thirteen I will say. This means that for 11 or 12 years of my life I have always had a new book or movie to look forward to. Even after the books ended about four years ago and there was no NEW story left for me to uncover there was still anticipation and hype. It's like the story wasn't over until I saw the story which had been playing in my imagination completely played out in real life. So, for 12 years I had this. Now I no longer do.

At the age of twelve children are beginning to grow into the adults they will become. Sure early childhood is important, but when you get to the point where you can understand all of the emotions, empathize with others and learn more complex lessons than the difference between good and evil in the story, it affects you more. And at first, at least, the main characters were roughly the same age as me. We grew up together. Now, they are gone and I need to close the chapter that was the formative years of my life and move into the next.

This is all happening at the same time I turned in my MA thesis and will be moving out of the state I've lived my whole life. Even though I have been living two hours away for the past two years, this move is MUCH bigger. I am going to be teaching my class in Kentucky. I will be living in an adult community. I will be saying goodbye to my best friends. In a way, as I am leaving Michigan, I am also leaving the comfort of Hogwarts behind. As I bid a fond farewell to my friends in Michigan, I am also saying goodbye to Harry, Ron, Hermione, and everyone else. The final movie is sort of like an allegory for my larger life changes that are taking place. I am sad and scared to leave Chapter 2 of my life, The Formative Years, of which Harry Potter was such a large part, and begin Chapter 3, Sam's Early Adulthood.