New Year=New Sam

So, I somehow managed to survive this semester and I would call it a success! Well, I sort of abandoned my blog, but let's just recap everything that I did this semester.

1. Taught a class.
2. Took 3 classes with three of the most intense and demanding profs I've ever had in my life.
3. Was my sister's MOH for her wedding.
4. Presented at 2 conferences, both which included traveling.
5. MOVED TO A NEW FREAKING STATE!
6. Read 30 books for class and a bazillion other articles, essays, and chapters.
7. Made awesome new friends.

So, I've been busy to say the least haha! Well, I'm bound and determined to own next semester. My work load for my own classes seems significantly lighter, but I will be teaching two courses. But I just want to be organized, healthy, and happy. I'm not really one to make New Years Resolutions. They are so cliched and before now I know that I wouldn't actually follow through and then I'd feel bad about life haha. I'm more of an occasional boost of motivation person anyways. BUT, this year I'm going to give it a go. I want these things and, especially when it comes to organization, I NEED them! It just seems like the right time also. I've moved. I'm on my own. I feel more like an adult so I should take charge of my life like one! Let's conquer the latter of my twenties! Let's show the world who Samantha f-ing Steele is! Haha!

So, I plan on doing several things throughout the semester/year to accmplish all of this. The most important one is probably organization. I need to get more storage things for my apartment so I actually have room to put away things. I had far too much stuff just out all of the time. I need a system!

Beyond this I also plan on trying to be healthier. I am trying to find like some different meal ideas and planners to help in the food department. I would like to eat more fresher and natural foods, eat more throughout the day so I don't go home and stuff my face with crap, and other things like that. I also plan on getting into an exercise routine. It may be going to the gym or just walking/running at my apartment community. There's also a gym in the main clubhouse, I guess you'd call it. We'll see. I even checked it out and found a 5K in Lexington in August that I could use as my incentive. I never want to look like a fool, so maybe this would keep me on track. But I do so hate running haha.

Anywho, those are my resolutions for the New Year. I honestly can't wait to give it a go and see how it all works out! Wish me luck!

'Tis the Season

Okay, guys. Let's get real for a moment.

Being away from my family around the holidays is already sucking and Thanksgiving isn't even here yet. I will not be making it home for Thanksgiving, in fact. I'm okay with it in theory and I know it's better for my course-work and my bank account, but it still super sucks. I have plans for Thanksgiving, so it isn't going to be just me crying alone over some kind Thanksgiving Dinner for One recipe I find on foodnetwork.com or something. But still. Last year I didn't go home for Easter, which I am totally okay with, because as a person who really isn't religious or a child I don't get too geeked for it. I mean who talks about getting into the Easter spirit? But Thanksgiving through Christmas is my thing. You all thought I got crazy about Halloween, well multiply that by 10 for Christmas! I like everything from the corny Hallmark movies to the food to the snow (which is going to be severely lacking here) to the shopping to the decorations to the family time and coziness. I live for this! I'm all about tradition and now I have to start making my own...alone. Wah Waaahh.

So, I'm usually incredibly opposed to any kind of holiday activity until after Thanksgiving, but this year I needed to make myself feel about life in general really, so I went out and bought a Christmas tree and put it up already. Luckily the stores and television networks are totally feeling my need for this, because the decorations were in stores even before Halloween was over (now that's overkill) and this weekend I watched Fred Claus, Elf, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I've also created two Pandora stations of Christmas music and have been using it as a way to calm, focus, and give myself hope as I've been freaking out over my school work. Christmas will most certainly come, so this too shall pass and then I will be home!

I just want to be home. It isn't like me sobbing all of the time out of homesickness; I just keeping thinking about everything I want back home. And how much I want this semester to behind me. I dunno. It's all just a bit strange feeling right now.

It's What You Can't See

As Halloween fast approaches and I am constantly flipping channels to find some kind of worthwhile scary movie to watch the selection generally disappoints me and here's why.

I like to be scared! I like to be overwhelmed with a sense of terror that makes my eyes well up with tears. This actually happens sometimes and it isn't caused by gore, zombies, or any other kind of strange monster. It happens when I fear that this could actually happen, so like a legit serial killer flick or a good ghost movie. Of course movies lie 13 Ghosts, with their disturbing gross scenes cause me to cover my eyes and peek through them. The Grudge and The Ring also terrified me (The Japanese know how to rock a scary movie) but not in a truly sophisticated kind of way. And perhaps sophisticated is the wrong word, because oftentimes it's the cheapest movies that are the scariest. I am thinking, of course, of Paranormal Activity. Now, I watched the first one with people and it didn't prove too scary, but the second one absolutely terrified me. They were not offering cheap thrills, but properly placed bangs, clattering pots, dog barks, and the like. I will be watching the third one this weekend and I'm already terrified. They don't use special effects to create an awful demon creature. They don't use gore to get a scream. It's about what you can't see. The things they don't want you to comprehend. The worst part of a horror movie, in my opinion, is the end where they figure out why the boogeyman exists and try to find the bones, rectify a wrong, confront the entity, or whatever. LAME! They always make it over the top and ridiculous, so I appreciate a sense of unfinished business at the end of a scary movie.

I also totally dig the Halloween movies. Michael Myers is the perfect serial killer. He doesn't talk. You can't see his face or any kind of shape about his body. Of course there are other serial killers who have masks, like Jason, but you know it's a mask. The Michael Myers mask is almost a face. There is something human about the face, but it lacks definition and individuality. There are no expressions, even though it's a human-esque face. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but in my mind it does. It's the fact that he's almost human, but not quite. You expect emotion or something more, but you don't get it. You can almost forget it's a mask. Also, the way it stand out against a black backdrop is just eerie. Oh, and the the music in the movies is the best.

That is not to say that other types of movies don't offer something to the viewer. I feel like there are a few distinct kinds of scary/horror movies. I don't mean different in subject, but different in their approach to being scary.

Shock and Awe
This kind of horror movie goes for the visuals. There are grotesque creatures, death scenes, and shocking sequences. Depending on the type of zombie movie, I would put it in this category. I feel like this is the most basic kind of scary movie. It's the cheap thrills that count here. I would put 13 Ghosts here, along with Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Nightmare on Elm Street, and most scary movies that come out these days that create some awful creatures and visual aids and think that will cut it.

Uncomfortable and Creepy
This kind of movie makes you shiver and just feel icky. The new series American Horror Story fits in perfectly here. There's scary, ghosts, creepy child photographs, a creepy handicapped person (and I'm not saying this to be politically incorrect but this is something that horror movies go for, because people can feel uncomfortable), and there's often some kind of icky combination of horror and sex. Rosemary's Baby does this (and there's something very Rosemary's Baby about this show as well). Oh and let's not forget medical experiments and strange things in jars. This kind of movie is all over that. Also I would place The Ring and The Grudge in this group, because you are left feeling unsettled. The film that makes you die in The Ring is bizarre and that dreadful girl with the hair over her face, crawling out of the well and through the television and you are left to sit there and watch, and wait, and...eeeww.

Scary/Suspense
This kind of scary movie is my favorite and it's the hardest to come across. It is scary because of the building of suspense and the subtle things that happen that terrify you. In this film it's often about what you don't see. I would place Paranormal Activity here, as well as the Halloween movies, oh and Poltergeist. The scene where the mom comes into the kitchen and all of the chairs are stacked on the table is scary. It often leaves you wondering what you would do had that just happened to you. The original Night of the Living Dead could go here too, because the suspense just builds throughout the movie. Also, this is why I like Ghost Hunters so much...well, good episodes of Ghost Hunters. When they caught a full body apparition or whenever they have a really good and clear EVP I get totally wigged out. It's knowing that something is there, but not exactly where it is or what it is that makes these movies the best.

I have always been a fan of scary stuff. As a child I consumed Goosebumps books and those anthologies of scary stories you would find at the book fairs. I often watched the Tales from the Crypt cartoon. Anything with a ghost, a witch, a vampire, or a werewolf, I was all over! I also had lots of nightmares a child too and I still do. This is probably attributable in part in how much of this stuff I watch and read, but I also like to think of it as a sign of a creative mind. Some of the best monster writers (Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley) have suffered from nightmares. I wrote a paper about it once in high school. Well, as I continue my quest for the perfect scary movie I hope you've enjoyed this special Halloween blog update!

It's Been So Long!

I know I haven't posted in forever, but school is kicking my ass...like crazy hard. I've never felt like this...EVER. I'm in the big leagues now! Other people seem to think I can make it, so I suppose maybe I can. I mean, I was overwhelmed at Western from time to time, but I still generally knew that I would get good grades. It's what I do. Well, here I have received the lowest grades of my life. MY LIFE! I've never had "bad papers" or "bad tests" before. Not that I'm having tests these days, but my bad grades were like B+'s that upset because I thought I really knew something that I didn't. At Western I was happy that my first few grad assignments were like B+'s, but here they are lower than that...And I feel like some it comes from a lack of clarity (not to pass the buck) but I know how to do what needs to be done, so some of my grades are totally unjustified. But, still. Ugh.

Well now that I'm done reaffirming myself by talking about how good things used to be (not to brag, just to express my complete shock and to make myself feel better about it all) let's talk about...I don't even know what. I'm so tired from reading and writing these short book reviews and papers that once I'm done with them I don't even want to pick up my computer to blog. I have only written in my journal once since classes started. My poor students too...man oh man. I mean I'm doing well, fine, and what not as an instructor, but I'm just not on top of shit. I need to be on top of shit for the last half of this semester, for their sake and my own. Then I have all of these speeches to grade...I don't even want to start thinking about it.

I'm trying to view this all as professional development. I'm growing or some load of crap like that. I'm taking what I need and not letting it get to me...maybe. Well, I must say that I don't think I've cried once yet about all of this. I've almost cried, but then I just get angry. Sometimes I'm mad at the lack of clarity i mentioned above. Sometimes I'm mad at myself. Sometimes I'm mad at previous schools for being too easy. Well, perhaps easy isn't the correct word. Nothing about what I felt before was easy, but assessment was easy. I often knew that if I tried I did good enough to get good grades. Maybe it wasn't like that at all either, but, in comparison, that is how it feels. I have people telling me I can't write! Hmm...good thing I'm teaching WRITING! Good thing I worked at the WRITING CENTER. Good thing I've won awards for WRITING in the past. Okay the last one was at Ferris, but still... Good thing I WROTE a THESIS of 120 pages! For the love of GOD, don't tell me I can't WRITE! I almost switched to a creative WRITING program after I got my M.A. Well, when it came time to apply for PhD programs I contemplated applying to other programs too. I understand that I don't write like you (and someone else can judge if that's better or worse) and I understand that I need tweaking and tuning and things like that. But that doesn't mean I don't know how to write. I don't get what people think they are doing by telling me this.

Whoa! I think I need to calm down for a moment. Well, my Mondays are generally hell. I have class from noon to 2:30 then class from 6:00 to 8:30 (and they are rough classes). Generally I'm struggling to get everything done, but I'm sitting alright. I have to edit and proof two short papers tomorrow before noon. And then read a bit of Freud before my 6:00 but I have a normal sense of work right now as opposed the urgency that makes me want to curl up and cry on any other Monday. Let's hope I can keep this one going for the rest of the semester. Well, it's time for me take the doggie out and hit the sack. Let's kick this week's ass!

Let's Get Political!

Every now and again I get a little too upset about something and just need to rant about it. It seems this has been happening more and more lately, generally when it comes to those Republicans with their head so far up their asses (now I'm not saying all Republicans are like this, but many of the loudest are) that they can't see the country can't continue without more income and that ought to come from those who have the most to spare...THE WEALTHY! Jefferson supported a graduated system of taxation. There are some people who have more money to give and they should WANT to work for the common good. THAT, my friends, the COMMON GOOD, is actually a foundation of America. Independence and individualism in a sense, but all of these individuals understood that the common good needed to be supported. This is a cornerstone of Puritanism! Actually, I feel like that's probably a cornerstone of Christianity, another idea that these right-wing conservatives like to throw around without actually supporting it. Politicians make a living out of grabbing an idea and using it on occasion, when it supports them (say, in a fight against terrorism) but not when it could potentially take away from them (like helping those who need it).

Now, that, honestly, is not the actual topic that prompted to me to write this entry today. I was reading the book American Insurgents, American Patriots by T. H. Breen today for one my courses and something struck me. The Tea Party (as in the political group that has BASTARDIZED the name of a political event in our history) claims that they can use the name they have chosen, because they want to get back to libertarian principles present at the founding of the country. They claim that the colonists fought the British because they were overbearing and they didn't want to pay taxes. The patriots wanted government out of their lives. Well, to a certain extent this is true; they did want BRITISH government out of their lives for a myriad of reasons these fools could never comprehend, hell I can never comprehend it all and I study this stuff! They, however, wanted their own colonial governments back. The colonists wanted a kind of independence and individualism, but they also knew that this came with a great responsibility to their community, to helping those in need, to supporting the less fortunate and to work for the COMMON GOOD!

There were institutions, during the mid-1770s, that came together and acted as governments for the rebellious colonized. These groups organized nonimportation movements, collected donations for those suffering after the closing of the port of Boston, and put in place PUBLIC WORKS PROGRAMS! That's right, colonial organizations collected money and put out of work men to work fixing roads in Boston, so they would have money! What else does this sound like? Hmm...perhaps a bit reminiscent of FDR? Perhaps like some of the programs that conservatives continually denounce on principles that they say come from the Founding Generation? Did you know that when local townsmen didn't want to donate (for whatever reason) or spoke against these programs they were harassed for not supporting their fellow colonists in need of help?

Maybe members of the this terrible movement I can't stand calling the "Tea Party" should crack open a history book before they latch onto a fraction of an ideology and run with it. They look like the fools. They are, in actuality, ruining the memory of the events they claim to respect so much. I would prefer that they all suffered some kind of amnesia and could no longer remember the event than to manipulate its meaning in the dreadful ways they have.

Holy Shit! I'm a Grown Up!

Let's get real for a minute. It's becoming increasingly clear to me that I'm no longer part of the "young generation" that I have just been associating myself with basically since going to college. I'm not part of cohort anymore!

I think teaching has made this abundantly clear to me this year. The other day in class my students said something about Titanic and then I told my story of first watching Titanic and how I was in middle school when it came out and they stared at me in disbelief and little smile. That's when I realized, whoa. I'm not THAT group anymore.

I always laughed when my older friends got to this age and talked about younger people this way or about feeling old in this way, but I get it now! It suddenly hits you that you're a grown up. Staying in school for a million years has a way of making you not feel like a grown up, but I am.

Other little things have been happening that make me feel like a grown up. Suddenly, I realized that I'm living alone like a grown-up. I mean I've been living alone, but now it's like "Shit, this is my life!" And then I always think of that episode of 30 Rock in which Jack says something to Liz Lemon along the lines of "You sit at home alone worried that you're going to choke on something and nobody is with you to save you." Yup, I've related to that concern for some time now. It's just Wheezer and I.

I'm also feeling more professionally grown up. For example, on Monday I will be attending a lecture by a rather famous historian with my advisor, after which we will be going to dinner with some other historians, maybe rather famous historian as well. I'm terrified. I mean I have a good time with my advisor and I've always related well to adults, but these are almost my colleagues. And I will be reflecting on my advisor in a professional way. Good thing historians aren't always known for their social skills and graces.

Anywho. I'm grown up. It's weird. I'm no longer part of the phrase "Young People These Days." Well, not that I was really ever part of that phrase in most senses of this phrase. Strange.

Reflections

One strange thing fall does to me (I know, I'm talking about fall again) is put me in a rather reflective mood. I can think of two possible reasons for this.

1. As the leaves begin to fall I get the sense that nature is shedding the past year. It's getting rid of everything that was good and bad (perhaps a nasty bug infestation that ate the leaves) about the prior "green season". It will take a break, rest for the winter and then start again in the spring. I know that trees don't just sit absolutely dormant all winter long. I'm sure they are preparing for a new growing year in ways we can't see. Perhaps they are sinking their roots further into the ground or storing up...hell I don't know. I need to quit pretending I know what plants do for dramatic effect haha. But anyways, that's how it feels to me.

2. Every year since I've started school, fall has always meant the start of my new school year. I've never not been a student, so I have no idea what fall is like without the sense of new year. I always say things like "I'm going to stay more organized this year" and "I'm going to stay on top of my reading" but it never happens.

Anywho those are the only two reasons I can see for this sort of reflective mood. Today as I was getting ready for the day it suddenly hit me. And when I say "it" I mean everything. I'm in a PhD program. I mean, of course I am, but if you would've asked high school Sam (yes I wanted to be a history professor in high school haha)if I would be here now I probably would've said yes, because I wanted it, but I don't know if I actually ever believed it would happen. And not only that but I'm a big state university working with well established historians! That, I never would've believed.

In some ways I don't even know if high school Sam would recognize this Sam. Not in a bad way; I mean I've still retained everything that is me. I still geek out over Harry Potter, watch The Patriot as a guilty pleasure, and enjoy ghostly/paranormal things. But I'm so much less shy than I even was two years ago when I started at Western. That's not to say that I was a terribly awkward individual, but I was quieter and a bit more nervous about meeting people. In high school I never "went out." This was in part due to the fact that I lived in the middle of nowhere, but also because I just didn't. At Ferris I didn't too much either. I eventually started going out at Western, but it took a bit. And I had an awesome built-in hang-out buddy with my awesome roommate. But after a month or two I started going out with history people. Now, however, I'm planning things and going out with people and I was doing so after two weeks of being here.

So, when I'm having one of those dreadful days in which graduate school has totally punched me the stomach, or I just can't seem to muster the motivation to read another book about Thomas Jefferson or something, I just have to tell myself that I'm doing just fine and force myself to look at how far I've already made it.

Soo.....This is What PhD School Is Like

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I've just been so busy! I forgot what it was like to have all of these weekly readings and stuff. Yeesh! I'm trying to keep up, but there are a few things that are getting in my way. Teaching this class, for example, or going home for Mandy's wedding. I mean it was fantastic and I loved going home, but it was hard to get my mind off of all of the work I had to do. Now, I'm pooped and have a few more things to get done by the end of Wednesday. Then there are other silly things like sleeping, eating, and the need for some socialization. Damn.

But I am apparently doing a few things right. I like to think I'm rocking two of my classes. I don't feel like I'm going through that period of being nervous to talk in class, or being afraid of sounding dumb, or feeling like everyone is smarter than me. I'm glad I'm not going through that again, because that was rough my first semester at Western. So yay for confidence.

Speaking of Western, I recently received an email saying that Western is FINALLY giving me my degree! I should receive it in ten weeks. I want it now!

So, I am having a serious lack of motivation at the moment. I did some intense work yesterday. I didn't stop for more than twelve hours! And I think because of that I'm very blahhh today. I just can't pull myself together! And I'm concerned I might have some allergy stuff coming up. I usually get something around this time of year and after the past five days, I could understand why.

Oh! And I forgot to tell you all about the code-names for my professors. This will help in the future if I have stories to share or something.
1) Willy Wonka
2) Tommy Lee Jones
3) John Malkovich.
It's really quite a genius method I have here. For some reason I like figuring out what celebrities people I meet remind me of. Or my mind automatically tries to categorize physical, and sometimes, more personality based traits. But mostly physical traits.

Well, I should probably try to get something done. Or just go to bed and get up early. I'm actually starting to get into that habit. It's so weird. I suppose I was able to do this when I was working at Biggby. It was nothing for me to get up crazy early on a morning that I didn't have to open to start getting work done. Even thought I nap in the afternoon when I get up that early I just like the feeling of accomplishing a lot by like 1:00 or 2:00 in the afternoon. It's like empowering.

Motivation Fail...

Well, this was inevitable, right? My complete lack of motivation once the work came to get it done... Personally, I think that giving someone a semester of their own to work on a thesis and then shoving them back into courses, where they have to read assigned books and write about things they don't necessarily want to write about is a very cruel joke. At first the prospect of a class schedule and developing a rigid schedule for myself was exciting. And I realize that I'm saying at first and I've only completed half of a week of the semester, but the schedule of work I wrote out in my planner for the week completely failed. I can partially blame my class fiasco of Wednesday, but we all know that I'm digging for an excuse. Well, let's hope I can buckle down next week, because with Mandy's wedding coming and my two conferences, I NEED discipline now more than ever...

Moving on...I'm dying for fall to arrive. I know that I blabbed on and on about my love for autumn in a previous blog, but now that it's almost September I'm completely ready. There are a few brownish/yellowish leaves in trees and on the ground, but I'm still encountering ninety degree days. And pumpkins....geeze I want pumpkin everything right now. Pumpkin beer, pumpkin coffee, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin pie, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin fudge, pumpkin decorations, pumpkin candles (I keep going to Bath and Body Works hoping they have their candles on sale, but they don't!). I want to start wearing my cardigans. I broke out my moccasins the other day so that was nice. I want to need a jacket. Also, once it starts getting cooler I won't feel bad about days like today, in which I don't plan on putting real clothes on at all. AND my air conditioner will stop running. Well, I suppose I could turn it off now, but that would be awful.

Well, time to get this show on the road I suppose. I've been getting up surprisingly early the past few weeks, so it's not quite noon and I've already had couch time, made and ate pancakes, took Wheezer for a walk, cleaned my kitchen, have a load of laundry in the washer, and am finishing my online procrastination. I foresee a long day of reading ahead of me.

Blog Barf

Oy vey! I have sooooooo much on my mind. I haven't blogged in a while because every time I considered it I realized that I had tons that I would like to talk about and it would take quite some time to get it all down on paper. I'll try to sum it all up in a less than lengthy post.

I taught today. It went quite well. I only have 13 students which I am INCREDIBLY happy about. That's more than 10 under the cap so I could've potentially had 12 more of everything to grade. But I was just me and the students seemed to be at least content being in the room. I can't blame them for not being happy. I would've been pretty pissed to be in a composition and communication class AND to be there at 8am. But I had them talking to partners, to the class, free-writing, and a while at least thinking. I hope it keeps going swimmingly.

I had my first class of my own yesterday and I kinda think I rocked it! Well, especially when you consider the fact that I found out 15 minutes ahead of time that I actually had the class. But, I think I managed to say several semi-intelligent things in class and my professor kinda looked Willy Wonka a la Gene Wilder. He had this crazy curly hair that kind of stuck up and he just seemed kind of silly. I think we'll probably get along quite well. Yay! I have my two other classes on Monday, so we'll see how those go.

I'm making friends! Not that you were all concerned that I wouldn't, but it's still one of those things a person can't help but fret a bit about. What if the people you meet just don't like you? What if you just don't jive? What if other people aren't that outgoing? What if I am suddenly not that outgoing? But we all know that I can't be shut up lol. But what if others are annoyed by me? And as I've said before, making new friends is just such hard work. Turns out, however, that the process has been quite smooth and easy. We're all in the same boat. And, well, what better to bring a group of people together than a week of grueling orientation!

I've only had one serious homesick spell, so I consider that a win! It just sort of came upon me. I got up on Saturday, watched a movie on TV, showered, and then I just started crying. I went out and looked at pretty things I would like to buy and then some of these new friends invited me out, so all was well. It's still an adjustment, but I'm used to living alone, so the day-to-day isn't so bad.

Honestly, I'm not sure if there is anything else I would like to elaborate on at the moment. Things are going surprisingly well. I'm ready to get this show on the road. I even found a coffee shop that I can do my work at, because my office kind of sucks. Maybe it'll get better once people get settled it, but it's kind of manky. And manky is the perfect word here. My only reference for it is in the fourth Harry Potter movie when they use the boot as a portkey and Harry said something about the "manky old boot." Also, Wheezer doesn't seem to like me spending a lot of time doing work. He's getting quite demanding, actually....barking and stuff. And I'm drinking some incredibly delicious Kentucky grown red wine. Very very tasty.

But anyhoo. I'm off to fool myself into thinking I'm actually doing work and making lesson plans...Keep on keepin' on!

One Week In

So, I've been in Kentucky a week now. It was last Saturday that my parents and I exhausted ourselves unloading everything from that stupid moving truck into my apartment. Things are quite homey now. I still have like three or so boxes that I need to unpack. Right now I plan on doing that tomorrow, but who knows what I will do when tomorrow actually arrives. But my furniture is comfortable. I've arranged everything how I want it. A few of my decorating touches are pretty awesome if I do say so myself. I'm not really homesick or anything. Like I said before, I'm used to living alone, so that's not a problem. And honestly not having anyone to go out with at least means I'm not spending money, which would be a REALLY bad thing to do right now. The internet and the phone also make it easier to feel at home.

Orientation began on Friday. The most exciting thing that happened was that somebody threw away my mug! I showed up with my own coffee (of course) and was then told that I could actually bring that into the presentation room. I sat it behind the pots of coffee they provided and it was still there when I came out for break. Then when we came out for lunch it was nowhere to be found and I looked in the trash and saw it under a bunch of stuff! It only cost me a dollar so I wasn't compelled to dig in after it, but I was still upset. I'm told to leave my mug out there and then it's thrown away. The kicker was that after the second break when one of the leaders came in she held up her own mug and said we should bring ours so we wouldn't create as much trash next week! I'm not bringing any of my shit with me now!

But it was fun to find that there were other history graduate students teaching this writing course. I am, however, concerned about the time it will take away from my own work. I have two conferences to attend this semester on top of taking three courses! And I've heard that the three professors I'm going to have are no walk in the park. I'm ready to have a melt down, have no time for socializing, and to make sure that I don't let this class consume me. My advisor told me I need to make sure that put these priorities in order. I'll work on it.

Well, next week I have orientation all day, every day. A bit overkill I feel, but oh well. I just hope I don't fall asleep.

Observations South of the Mason Dixon Line

Well, I'm here. I'm in Kentucky. It feels so weird. I'm used to living alone and that's not a problem. When my parents were getting ready to leave yesterday I was worried about that. I knew I would learn to find my way around. I knew that I would be fine turning my cute little apartment into a home. But the feeling of separation between myself and everyone I know back home is immense. When I log into facebook I hope that people have posted to me and stuff, because it just helps with that. I want to talk to people. I miss my parents already and they've only been gone for a little over 24 hours and we've spoken on the phone twice already. I miss my sister. Even though I probably wouldn't have seen her during this time, it's the fact that I KNOW that I wouldn't have been able to. It's the same with many of my friends too. I may not have seen them over the past few days if I had been home or in Kalamazoo, but it's just knowing that I can't now. And it's not that I'm dreading making new friends, it's just so much work. It's exhausting really. Honestly I probably deserve some kind of medal for the number of times I've had to make new friends as I've jumped from place to place haha. I'm just kidding, but it's a process and I respect the process. ANYWAYS onto my observations of Kentucky.

The People: They are incredibly friendly! I know that people say that kind of stuff, but they really are nice. People have helped me get places on campus. This older lady who lives in an apartment across my courtyard waves every time I take Wheezer out for a walk and she's looking out her patio door. The guy who lives in the apartment below me (who may or may not be attractive :P ) introduced himself within five minutes of my parents being in my apartment. I was actually at the office signing my lease, but then he came back and helped my dad unload my couch and loveseat. Many people in stores seem apologetic if you say excuse me to move around them. And I hate a busy grocery store, so that's a super plus.

The Apartment: I love my little pad. The building is cute. The apartment has just enough space, but not too much. There's nice new tile in the shower and on the bathroom and kitchen floors (not linoleum!). My kitchen has cute white cupboards and I have an adorable window over my sink. Behind my apartment I have a cute little courtyard and my balcony (which overlooks this courtyard) is big enough to enjoy sitting on it. I haven't done so yet, but I will. The place isn't perfect, but it's cute and I feel like it's me. It also has a good dose of character. Not just another apartment in a large building full of apartments, like my old one was. The help seems nice. When the maintenance guy came he even left a note saying what he did and that everything was fine! There's a community newsletter and some lady is trying to start a French conversation group which I should probably join. I dig it!

The Weather: It's atrocious! I hate heat. I hate humidity. I will not have a good hair day until winter! Actually today wasn't so bad, but that's because the humidity broke. I don't like summer clothes. I tried finding some today, but that excursion was a failure. Stores have sweaters and cardigans and normal back-to-school items, which I would normally be totally geeked about, but the thought of buying those today made me shudder. I couldn't believe these Kentuckians who actually were shopping for those things! I guess they are just used to it. I thought I was going to die walking across campus yesterday. And I don't even want to talk about the day I moved in. I just want fall to get here!

The Bugs: I have had a few bug run-ins so far. I was bracing myself for a land of more bugs, but it's still disgusting. There was some strange bug in my apartment a few days ago that I killed. There's this spider who keeps making a web in my door almost every morning. The first time I walk through the door at the crack of dawn to take Wheezer out and a spider gets on me I'm going to freak. Then today I was taking Wheezer for a little walk-about and there were these large, strange bug carcasses on the ground. I found like four. They were probably like an inch and a half long or a bit more, had fat bodies, and large wings. They must have all hatched for a night and died. I just googled that shit and I think they were cicadas. I've never risen in the morning to that, though. Back home I'm scared of the giant black pinching beetles. You find those carcases in the morning. These are ranking right up there. I'm feeling creepy just thinking about it.

The Traffic: Terrible. End of story. It's like 28th Street in Grand Rapids during December on a Saturday EVERY DAY! My route to school shouldn't be too bad as long as I time my drive around traffic, but I was in the shopping area today, in the middle of the afternoon, and it was traffic hell.

The Accent: It's kind of freaking me out. Some people have a strong accent and some people don't. And many of the people who don't are still from Kentucky. As I was walking through the mall and Target today I kept hearing small kids yell "Mawmay!" and other children were bickering with their drawl....it almost makes me laugh sometimes. The mild accent doesn't bother me but then out of nowhere you hear a really strong one and it's like WHOA! God, I'm even thinking in that crazy accent. The plus side to this, old people sound AWESOME! My parents and I went to Fort Boonesborough (as in Daniel Boone) and there was this older guy working as the Fort gunsmith and he had a very strong accent. I'm guessing he was from southern Kentucky. He sounded incredible. He said "bar hunting" and that they used "bar grease" when shaving out the barrel of the rifle." I could've listened to him tell me stories all day long. And he made a few beautiful rifles. It was a little hard to understand him at first, but once you got it...it was like butter. On the flip side, nobody has said anything about my accent. A few people have asked where I'm from or said "you folks aren't from around here are you," but nobody has said they could tell we were from Michigan or told me my accent was weird, or anything like that. It's probably just a matter of time.

Well, I think those are all of my Kentucky observations today. I'm sure I'll have more to say soon, but I was thinking about these things as I sat in traffic today :P

Fallen for Fall

So, I know it's only August and I know that I still have around a month and a half until I can be appropriately excited for autumn, but these stores already pushing their orange decorations and pumpkin scented candles have me dreaming of fall already. Did I mention fall is my favorite season? Oh, well it is!

I don't know what it is about fall that I love so much. Beautiful crimson, golden, and orange leaves seem so much more beautiful to me than new pink flowers and green leaves. I dream of a crisp cool breeze ruffling my jacket more than a warm ray of sun of my cheek. I mean, don't get me wrong there is nothing better than a beautiful spring day to boost the spirits after a long, cold, dreary January, February, and sometimes even March. I suffer from the winter blues just as much as the next peppy person, but when I think about fall all year long. It's never long enough. And maybe that's why I yearn for the fall climate and color palate; fall is the shortest season. In actuality spring is probably just as short, but it leads to summer, during which there are loads of sun, flowers, and puffy clouds in a beautiful blue sky. There are at least three months to have bonfires and beach trips, but there is a month and half for cider mill trips and pumpkin decorations, and maybe a few weeks for peak fall color activity. It's so fleeting that I can never fully get my fill before the first snow falls, all the leaves are on the ground, and Halloween has passed.

That brings me to the other reason why fall is so incredible: Halloween. Fall seems so mysterious, magical, and...forboding(?). I'm not sure what word I want to put at the end there. The days grow shorter and talk soon turns to ghosts, goblins, and ghouls. I must admit, that I love all three of these things. A scary movie is so much better with a cup of cider, a sweater, and a half-naked tree out the window. Since I am not religious at all spring's claim of Easter doesn't even begin to compare to fall's ownership of Halloween. Bring on the superstitions, scary folk stories, and eerie buildings. Fall has the ability to enter the mind while creating the perfect ambiance for spooky activities.

So, since it is only August 3rd and I still have three whole months until Halloween (which is fine, because I want to have time to enjoy all of my fall dreams), I will keep dreaming about my moccasins and cardigans, chai and apple cider, pumpkin flavored and scented everything, orange, red, and brown decorations, crisp weather, and spooky Halloween stories, movies, and television programming. Maybe it's a good thing that the stores are getting me excited early; I have more time to enjoy all of the fall I want :)

Bidding Adieu to Kalamazoo

Well, it's here. Tonight is my last night in Kalamazoo. I spent the day, alone, packing, and cleaning. It was quite lame. I had no living room furniture as of this evening. I have no food (I went to the store and bought ice cream and some kind of microwavable noodle bowl). At about ten I finally called it quits, laid down in bed, put in a Monk DVD and ate my Ben and Jerry's. I'm not really tired right now. Even though I need to be up at like 8ish tomorrow and I was busy all day (but it was just putzing around the apartment) I just don't feel like sleeping.

I keep thinking about all of the things I should've done. Things I should've said. Places I should've gone. Events I should've experienced. There's no use dwelling on the past, but I'm just coming to realize that there are things that I would've done differently. I know everybody feels that way, but...I can't help but express that now. I mostly feel like i need more time with people. I'm not ready to say goodbye to them yet :(

I also can't believe that I'm going to be leaving the state in a week. It's so unreal. I'm leaving my home. I mean I've been moved away for a while, but my home state is all like a haven. I love Michigan! I love it's seasons, it's wilderness, it's variety of scenery, its history...it's a great state. I'll just have to find the great things about Kentucky and embrace that state as I did this one. Although, the new climate is going to be a problem lol.

Well, I'm sure that I'm dwelling on this move and everything far more than necessary. I'll try to stop until I'm down there. I never used to be able to keep up a blog and now I keep spewing into it every few days. I"m going to try to go a week...

Packing

Packing is an odd process.

I hate the idea of going through my desk (which I already did quite successfully actually), my closet, my dresser, my cupboards and putting it all into boxes. I will, undoubtedly experience flashes of memories, welcome or unwelcomed. I will find some things that need to be thrown away and others that I will continue to hold onto, even though they are useless, don't fit, silly, etc. I will have to decide how best to store important paperwork I had simply thrown on a shelf in my desk or in a binder (I'm really terrible about keeping things safe and orderly, actually). I hate this part of packing.

Packing clothes, I think, is the worst. I have a lot of clothing that I no longer wear. Either I'm sick of it and have cast it aside or it no longer fits. Should I keep these things? What if I gain/lose weight and need these things? What if I run out of clothes to wear one day and, even though those jeans are terrible, need to wear them? What if I decide I like that shirt again in a few months (it's been known to happen)? So many decisions to make.

I feel like packing all comes down to one question. How much of a fresh start do you want? How much stuff do I want to pitch now so in four-ish years when I have to move again I won't have to remember all of those things? What's essential? What things are truly me? Are my world history notes from six years ago important? In that case I decided not and pitched them. I can look shit up on Wikipedia if I need to haha.

In short, packing is SO much more than packing....ugh.

Teaching

I am suddenly REALLY excited about the prospect of teaching this English class once I get to Kentucky. I feel like I am so jazzed about it because I want to give students what I didn't have. I want to learn more about the craft of writing while I teach these students. I also like connecting with students and writing can be a great way to do that.

I am also looking forward to crafting my own teaching style. I have many ideas circling around in my mind. I'm reading a book right now about how to teach writing in context (as some extra, not-required reading). I am thinking about adding journals, blogs, writing examples...it's so exciting. I can't wait to find out how much control I actually have in the whole process. I know that my biggest problem is going to be spending too much time on the teaching and not enough on my course work. I kind of had that problem while I was working as a TA.

I think that thinking about this teaching gig is getting me excited for that and taking some of the focus off of actually moving. Because that's terrifying. Greatly terrifying. Yeah...

Goodbye...

Goodbye.

What exactly does this one word mean?

Good.

Well, it means that things are fine, satisfactory, alright, even happy. It's approval and acceptance. Good job. Good. That's good. I'm good. It's all good.

Bye.

This word signifies a parting between two people. Or a person and a group. Bye. So long. See ya later. Au revoir. Farewell.

Goodbye.

This word, then, signifies a fine, perhaps even happy parting. It could also mean that times together were good and now it's time to move on. On the other hand, it could also be a wish for a happy time apart, or a best wish. Most importantly, and for me, it could mean all three wrapped in one. This word, or a compound word I should say, means so very much.

As my departure draws nearer, I can see every aspect of this one word. I want a happy parting, even though I know it will be full of tears. It has been a good time together, but I don't know what I will ever feel that it is time to move on; although I'm sure it is for me now. I do also hope for a happy time apart, but it will never be the same without those I am parting from. I can, however, take solace in knowing that it is not goodbye forever, but just a goodbye for now.

Goodbye. Adiue. Sayonara. Ciao. Aloha. Yasou. Slan. Do Svidaniya...

Creative Mojo

So, I have been thinking for quite some time that I'm losing my creative mojo. I used to LOVE writing. I used to journal, attempt to at least start legitimate stories...at one point I had a notebook full of what I called "Sam's Story Starters." They were ideas I had about a book. Maybe it was a synopsis, a character sketch, the first few pages of a story. I even had a few which I had typed over thirty pages for. They are long gone, unfortunately...in fact I do wonder what happened to some of them. ANYWAYS...

I still LOVE writing, but I just seem compelled to make to time for it. I think about it when I'm not doing it, but then when I get some free time I watch a movie, or TV, or...something. Even when I do finally commit myself to writing it's not very long lived. I'll generally start it while watching a movie and then slowly lose interest and never come back to it. I've even lost a bit of interest in my journal. I've felt so overwhelmed with things that I can't properly process and reflect on it all. It's too exhausting to process it all in one sitting or even to pick out one thing from it all to write about. This makes me so sad. I blame it, partially, on school.

In a conversation with a dear friend tonight she mentioned that we don't think of ourselves as writers, but as academics, students, historians, teachers, etc., who write. This is so true. Although the writing is important for certain reasons, the passion of the writing process is overlooked in my field. I was once told that I write too much like a popular historian, which I didn't actually take as a criticism. I'm glad I have a bit of flair, a bit of my own voice. It's quickly being sucked from me and I hate it. I used to want to be an author, of fiction, and now I can't even make time to start a story. This needs to be remedied!

I am attempting to gather creative, colorful decorations for my new apartment in Kentucky. I need to be surrounded by things that inspire me. When I was living at home, my room was filled with things that made me happy (posters, candles, knick-knacks) and I painted my walls blue with silver moons and stars. I have a lot of decorations in my current apartment, but it's just not inspiring. I also need to make some kind of goal for myself....maybe like writing something creative once a week or something. I don't know. I'd be willing to take suggestions. My time at the Writing Center and future as an English instructor at Kentucky have got me thinking about this, as well as my dear friend's experiences in a current writing project. We'll see how it all goes. Wish me luck! I need my mojo!

A New Chapter

So, this month is bringing a lot of changes. Some things are ending and others beginning. And it all is happening while I'm going through the end of the Harry Potter franchise. I know it seems silly to compare moving, or turning in my thesis to the final installation of a series of books and movies, but it's all very intertwined for me.

I began reading Harry Potter somewhere around the age of twelve or thirteen I will say. This means that for 11 or 12 years of my life I have always had a new book or movie to look forward to. Even after the books ended about four years ago and there was no NEW story left for me to uncover there was still anticipation and hype. It's like the story wasn't over until I saw the story which had been playing in my imagination completely played out in real life. So, for 12 years I had this. Now I no longer do.

At the age of twelve children are beginning to grow into the adults they will become. Sure early childhood is important, but when you get to the point where you can understand all of the emotions, empathize with others and learn more complex lessons than the difference between good and evil in the story, it affects you more. And at first, at least, the main characters were roughly the same age as me. We grew up together. Now, they are gone and I need to close the chapter that was the formative years of my life and move into the next.

This is all happening at the same time I turned in my MA thesis and will be moving out of the state I've lived my whole life. Even though I have been living two hours away for the past two years, this move is MUCH bigger. I am going to be teaching my class in Kentucky. I will be living in an adult community. I will be saying goodbye to my best friends. In a way, as I am leaving Michigan, I am also leaving the comfort of Hogwarts behind. As I bid a fond farewell to my friends in Michigan, I am also saying goodbye to Harry, Ron, Hermione, and everyone else. The final movie is sort of like an allegory for my larger life changes that are taking place. I am sad and scared to leave Chapter 2 of my life, The Formative Years, of which Harry Potter was such a large part, and begin Chapter 3, Sam's Early Adulthood.

Project Fail and Changes to Come

So, I obviously failed with this whole reading every day for fun business. Oops. Oh well. After spending a couple of hours a day at the Writing Center reading papers and time reading, writing, and editing my thesis, and reading for my research assignments, I really couldn't handle much more reading even for fun. AND Walden was not so fun. I get that it's important, but its too much like something I would read for a paper or class or something. I really do need something purely entertaining for my evening reading. I am currently rereading the last Harry Potter book so I'll be all ready for the final movie when it comes out in about two weeks. I absolutely adore books about fantasy lands like that. I would give anything to be part of Harry Potter world, as I so often refer to it. My dad even said "You'd be Voldemort?" and I said "You know, if I could be part of Harry Potter world, then yes." I know it's dreadful for I would be, in a sense, ruining it, but I would be a part of it. Also, I've been reading and watching Harry Potter for about ten years. These people are like that second family you run to when you're tired of your own life and its demands. I could pop in a Harry Potter movie or start rereading a book and feel comforted by these folks I have grown with. I don't know what I'll do when there is no longer even a new movie to look forward to. At least when the books were over I had the movies to mark the passage of time with.

In other news, I will be defending my thesis, "Ties that Bind: Thomas Jefferson and the Utility of Education," in less than a week! I'm nervous, excited, terrified, anxious, and relieved all at once. I can't wait for it all be over. I feel so great, like I've really accomplished something. TJ and I have made it this far and hopefully his spirit will descend into conference room 4413 and move my committee members to pass me. And then tell me he would like to buy me a celebratory glass of wine or something...whatevs :O)

Finally, the big move to Kentucky is upon me. I have a month left in Kalamazoo, then a week back home and then I'll be on my way to becoming a southerner...I'm excited for this. I'm excited about meeting new people and living in a new apartment, in a better community, and in a new town and state. I'll have new things to see and do, but I'm the kind of person who is, actually, quite attached to my roots. It will be the farthest I've lived from home. I'll miss all of the wonderful people I've met in Kalamazoo, and I'm tired of making friends for a short period of time and then leaving them. Boo to that. I also feel like I'm betraying my Michigan roots for some reason. I've always felt a great attachment to the state, its history, its landscape, even its ridiculous weather. Michiganders, I feel, are a very unique people, we have some kind of bond to the land other Michiganders we've never even met. Well, I should move on before I get too into feelings and the like haha.

Walden and No TV

I have actually been reading Walden, but it's taking me a while to get through. This is not due to its content, as I find the thoughts of Thoreau to be incredible, but the silence is killing me. I miss the television for the background noise it provides. Something about it makes me feel surrounded by people, even though they are fake people. For example, as many of my friends know, I took to spending basically every evening with Criminal Minds when I first got back to Kalamazoo after Christmas. For those of you who don't know, my roommate moved during Christmas break, so I am living alone for the first time. I was alone over the summer while she was on internship, but I knew she was coming back. This is longer and altogether different. I have now replaced Criminal Minds with a new favorite podcast...The Thomas Jefferson Hour. A fellow portrays Thomas Jefferson. What more could I ask for, right? So one day I was listening to my latest download of the show and iTunes asked if I wanted to download all and I thought "yeah sure". I slicked this command and then found that it was downloading some 249 episodes dating back to like 2006! I couldn't figure out how to stop so I just went with it. Anywho I now listen to The Thomas Jefferson while working on my thesis, cleaning, cooking, falling asleep....it's most definitely replaced Criminal Minds as my new 'friend," especially since I have no television. You really don't know how much you depend on it until you don't have it. Craziness. I can't watch Netflix while I thesis (yes I turned it into a verb) because that would have to be on my computer. So, anyways, so break the silence I listen to podcasts instead of reading, but that is not to say that I'm not reading. I spent a good portion of my Sunday morning reading instead of watching some kind of Anthony Bourdain marathon or something...

Onto Walden. Thoreau seems to be speaking to my soul right now. It's not that I wish to leave the modernized world and to live with only the minimal shelter, clothes, and belongings. I enjoy my clothes, home, movies, books, art, etc. They all represent me. I feel this is where Thoreau falls short in his first section of Walden, entitled 'Economy'. He speaks about how people spend all of their lives striving to obtain homes, clothes, etc., and thus spend all of their time working and not experiencing life. I get that. I have recently realized that if I go right into a PhD program I will be entering in a life in which I have very little choice of where I move from now until, I'm too old to care. I should be dedicated enough to history to be okay with this. I will get my PhD. I will then go wherever the job offer is. That seems so depressing, doesn't it? What kind of control do I then have? I must say that watching 'Eat, Pray, Love' also stimulated this feeling, but Walden was the original. I will spend my life toiling wherever I am told, because I need to make a living. I could, however, live as a bum and read history books. But what could I actually aspire to be, then? Thoreau totally gets this. But, I do like my copies of Raphael's 'School of Athens' and Boticelli's 'Primavera' which I have on my wall. I love my argyle! I like having a home which provides me with an oven and a shower. I know that Thoreau may say that I only like these things because society tells me to, but, believe me, most people my age don't love Renaissance art and argyle cardigans. These are pieces of my personality which would be missing were I to build a primitive shelter in the woods. So, my dear Thoreau, you raise many good points and Walden's first chapter provides a great opportunity for introspection.

I am nowhere near finished with the book. I will keep reading and keep posting. Keep it real, friends.

The Goal

So, in order to save money and expand my horizons, I recently got rid of my cable. I did, of course, subscribe to Netflix in order to help with my lack of my mind-numbing entertainment, but I'm still hoping that I will be a bit choosier about what I commit myself to watching. I am also intending to accomplish more thesis work this way. I won't turn on the television and exclaim "Oh my God! There's a *insert the title of any television show* marathon today and I really have nowhere to be. Come here doggie, let's snuggle!" I really have wasted a lot of time watching television. I also use it to help me fall asleep, which I know is bad for you, and as background noise, which often took over as my primary activity depending on what was on. Anywho, I'm hoping that will all change and there will be a Sam Revolution! I could be setting my sights too high, but I'm optimistic about this! It's like a delayed New Year's Resolution. Besides, spring seems like the more appropriate time to make changes anyways. Who wants to start life anew when the five inches of snow that were on the ground the day before are still there. I digress.

Now, onto the project. I want to try to read for two hours every night-ish (let's not get too carried away at first) for fun. I always complain that during school I don't have time to read for fun, but the fact is that once I'm done with my school work I'd rather vegetate in front of the television than to spend more time in a book, even though I love to read. Then, when holidays come around I spend my time reading pop books like Dan Brown and vampire smut. Consequently, I own books like Dorian Gray, Frankenstein, The Last of the Mohicans, Sherlock Holmes, etc., which I have never read or have only read parts of. So, my goal with this two hours a night of reading is to finally commit myself to reading a bunch of this classic literature I am often embarrassed to admit that I've never read. What can I say? My high school kind of sucked when it came to reading this stuff. So, my goal is to post maybe once a week-ish or however often I am compelled to reflect upon what I'm reading. Perhaps this will keep me on track.



Book 1: My first book, inspired largely by the beautiful spring weather today, is Walden by Henry David Thoreau. Today was a day that made me want to sit outside and think. Additionally, my favorite literary era (in theory, because, as we've discussed, I've never completely read a bunch of these books) is the American Romantic period and I often lump the Transcendentalists in there with Cooper, Hawthorne and the like. So, I'm excited and ready to get reading! On my mark...get set...GO!